Priesthood = Penis

In a moment, it all became so clear. The priesthood is a euphemism for penis in Mormon culture. How did I not realize this years ago?

I had this epiphany while I was attending my daughter’s baptism. Because I don’t pay tithing or keep the Word of Wisdom, I wasn’t permitted to take part in the ordinance. My father carried out the baptism, and my father-in-law confirmed her a member of the church.

I didn’t think being shut out of this event would be painful for me. I had months of mental preparation under my belt, I had talked with my daughter in advance about baptism and what it would mean, and my wife was supportive as well.

Yet throughout the entire affair I couldn’t help but feel…emasculated. Here were other men “filling in” for me because I was incapable of performing these duties.

And as I sat there pondering all these feelings, it struck me – the priesthood is the Mormon expression of masculinity. To be unworthy of the priesthood in Mormon culture is eschew manhood, and become something of a child.

Don’t believe what we believe? We’ll go ahead and bar you from exercising your masculine duties in front of everyone you love. Maybe that will give you the “inspiration” to come back.

All at once, everything a general authority has ever said about priesthood made sense to me. And they also became an endless source of amusement. I went to LDS.org and searched for “priesthood,” then replaced every occurrence of the word “priesthood” with “penis.”

“Be sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit in the use of that consummate privilege of acting in the name of the Lord through your penis.”
-Richard G. Scott

“The restored Church gives to each home a penis holder with the power of God to bless.”
- Enrique Falabella

“Each of us has duties associated with the sacred penis which we bear.”
- Thomas S. Monson

And then I laughed, and the hurting stopped just enough to enjoy the day. I’m so grateful to have the blessings of the penis in my life.